the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
