I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
