APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
