If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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