just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
