Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
