Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
