My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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