my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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