I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
