I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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