i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
