I am puke
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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