i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
