I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
