What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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