I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
