Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
