great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
