There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
