We're like a lot better than the average bears
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
