you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
