it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
