You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
