hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
