I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
