I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
