So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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