I will die if light touches me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
