Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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