True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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