Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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