I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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