Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
