It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
