I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
