Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
