my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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