i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
