I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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