My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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