I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
