Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
