Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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