Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
