i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
