I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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