Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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