Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
