hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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