she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
