How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Is Oprah even human
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
