I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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