I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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